If you were to ask me to write my thoughts on paper and share them months ago, I probably would say it was a joke. The biggest joke to be honest. There’s something about sharing your thoughts and ideas that has always made me feel weak and open to the fact that you can give someone that sort of information and they could have the power to destroy you or nurture you. However, this is not the purpose of this! I started this journey as it has been something I had been wanting to do for so long for I had been someone with so many thoughts and I just needed to get them out. If at anyway and stage I could relate to someone else out there who may be going through the same then this would only be the beginning of answers I may be searching for.
Hence why I have started “The Chase”. This concept I have thought about and have related it back to me as the title of my journey right now as a young adult going through life, trying to find purpose la de da, you have probably heard many stories such as this before. But this is my story.
The Chase refers to the way in which I am on a soul-searching journey just like everyone else. Trying to find purpose, contentment, joy and ultimate happiness. As a Christian, we are taught that we can find all of these through God. That with Him you will find everything you will ever need and that the ultimate goal is to reach heaven and be in harmony with Him for eternity. However, I know that my relationship with God is not a race, it is merely not a run but a marathon. I guess what I am saying is that I am currently writing from a place where my heart has been completely lost in my thoughts and not in my faith. I have experienced situations that has caused disconnection from God and left my soul hurting in ways I couldn’t even begin to describe to myself.
Everyone experiences pain at some point in their lives and for me I guess you could say that was now. Growing up in an environment where there is constant dependence on your being, where independence is constantly craved and your own opinions and plans are shoved below others, you could definitely say I have reached breaking point.
This has been about something far more than being frustrated and being angry but about losing myself. I guess for me, when you try and impress everyone and look out for everyone before yourself, your soul starts to disintegrate. Pressure starts to eat away at your soul and you start to rate your value by what you give to others. For me, I have been prone to this sickness of negative self-control and a lack of self-love. It would be the biggest lie to say to myself that there is nothing wrong with me, that I have it together all the time because it is completely the opposite. I struggle and I suffer from severe over thinking (self-diagnosed of course), constant anxiety and surrounded by pressures front, left and centre…all to my own doing.
You see, I have grown up with this Christian mentality of good and bad. You do something bad, there will be consequences. You do something good and you will be blessed. I have struggled with this for so long because it has become the centre of my anxieties. I am constantly afraid to make a mistake and to get things wrong which leads me to service.
I crave the happiness of others before my own. I thrive off doing things for other people, not so they give me recognition but because it’s all I have known to be good at. I am currently in a stage in my life where I have no idea what I want to pursue as a career and what interests me except the fact that if I can make people happy, this will bring me my own happiness and contentment.
Sound familiar? Unfortunately, this selfless attitude can also be my biggest weakness. There a certain boundaries and lines that need to be kept when you give and for me, I make those lines and boundaries disappear because I believe that I can do everything and anything. I believe that I have been blessed so much that I cannot contain it for myself. I wanna share God’s love for me for all he has blessed my life to be and to serve him by serving others.
However by giving so much of myself away, I have lost control. I can’t seem to find the boundaries or to leave them. Therefore it has resulted in me becoming incredibly reliable on my own two feet that I have continually put up walls to shut everyone out. To protect myself from losing that last bit of me left because I am giving so much of me away already. I already don’t like where I am in life right now studying especially when it is not for me.There are so many emotions around this but now I know no one else can change this and I can’t control what is out of my control. I have come to the realization that I am the only one that can change this around by putting in place some things I need to do.
So here I am, on MY chase. I have always said something was missing. That I could finish school, experience the life of a young adult, find love and give it away yet still feel like something isn’t clicking. I already feel like I know what it is and that I am only hindering myself by trying to do everything on my own. I was hurt by people I would never have thought to hurt me, the ones I try and protect the most and I have turned that hurt into resent, anger and frustration. Therefore I became very enclosed and I would “zone out”, shut down and clinch onto the pieces of my soul I could find and hold.
This isn’t another story out for pity, but simply a girl who just needs to write, and write to save myself. I want this platform as an outlet that I can let go and regather myself to continue on my chase. My chase to better myself, to chase all the things that I know I can love about myself. My chase to find God more and to be close to Him again like I know I can be. My chase towards my future goals and plans. My chase towards a life that I am constantly dreaming of everyday and desire so much #youknow. But most importantly, this is my story, my journey, my chase. So what’s yours?