I tend to get caught up in my own thoughts more than I should. Hence why I started writing because if i could eliminate one thought at a time, to get it out, I could move on and start to live life just little bit easier. I could begin to let go.
Recently I fell. And no, i’m not talking about the physical falling where you fall over and scrape your knee but the mental falling, where you start to hurt in the place that causes more damage than a physical wound. I guess we all experience the occasional downfall between our daily situations such as losing a job, having to pay bills etc. There are constant pressures in our everyday lives that instigate these falls. However for me, it’s been a long time coming.
This was “that” fall. The one that has been creeping up in my soul crying inside more and more as the nights go by because you don’t want anyone to hear. You don’t want to make your thoughts and feelings seem important to draw attention to yourself and simply you don’t want people to care that you’re hurting, or you can’t have them care. I couldn’t begin to describe the emotions and feelings that came over me except for the fact that my soul was weeping.
I have never experienced so much frustration and agony in the realm of my own thinking. I couldn’t begin to describe the many thoughts, so vivid and vile that consume me everyday. I am constantly thinking about those around me and about how the things I do and am going to do will affect those around me. I have fallen victim to the demons of pressure and expectation far more than anyone should go through and for the most of it, it would be because of the person I am.
Selfless and giving. Obedient and respectful. Caring and Kind. Yipp, I’ve heard it all before.
When you give yourself to people and to everything other than yourself, you don’t expect anything in return for that isn’t truly giving. If you give with the thought that you are supposed to get something back, then that is just borrowing. So for me, I believed that I had given my fair share to everyone, well that’s what I had thought. However, when people ask more of you, on top of what you are already selflessly giving, it can become a burden. I burden I feel like I have been carrying for my whole life time. And then I just had enough. Slash – I’ve had enough for a while now that led me to this place of emptiness.
Long story short – I felt like I had lost all purpose. I looked around my room, looked at my photos and saw the insignificance of my being. I saw no value in the person I was made. I saw the limitless impact that I had made in all these people’s lives. I had lost hope, complete and utterly. I had built up walls for myself that only I could sit in and keep up. I was scared, numb, and beyond hurt. I didn’t like the place that got me to where i am now. I didn’t like that I was being held back to do a lot of things, that being myself and trying to find myself.
Now I am not someone to take pity or sympathy because I know I will get through this. I know that there is a time for everything and that tough people get through hard times. I just needed time to feel the hurt. To grieve for myself so I can move on, just like how i could write then to let it go. I sound so depressed right now, which is the exact opposite of what I want to be and am as a person. I just believe that this is all part of the chase and that God has already planned this out for me. As much as I am hurting and feel broken, I know that I am not. And now I just need to believe it.