No one likes to go through pain. No one likes to feel it yet it’s inevitable, there’s no growth without pain. We can experience pain in the form of absolutely everything. The pain of losing someone you loved whether it’s their departure from this Earth or the separation of relationships built upon years of memories and love. The pain of struggling to provide for your family, not knowing whether or not you are going to be able to put food on the table tomorrow and nurture your children to the best of your ability. The pain of not knowing where you are going and being left in a situation that brings you to your knees in a silent room surrounded by nothing but the sound of loneliness and emptiness.
Pain brings all sorts of diminishing emotions; torment, anxiety, burden, grief, desperation, frustration, anger and a lot, a loot of hurt.
Everyone has their story of pain to tell and no one can tell you that you’re pain doesn’t hurt as much as theirs because pain is pain. Everyone will feel it, different times, places, situations.
However, my pain has been a bit heavy. The boundless voices and emotions running a 160km/h destroying every bit of self-confidence within my own being. The kind of pain no one else can take away, heal or make disappear.
Usually when I get down and I can’t put pen to paper, I usually chuck open a playlist and let the music take me to where I’m feeling which is 100% of the time. And it just somehow ended up that this song caught my attention.
“Even if it hurts” by Hillsong United resonates so much to everything that is currently in my chase.
Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again
I have to admit, my spiritual journey has been almost limited to almost near existent in the past few months, if not longer. I became trapped in my situation. A situation that I fight with numerous times a day, where my thoughts drift to and where I spend more time than needed wasting energy that could be used on moving forward and getting back up. However, I just haven’t been able to move.
I started resenting God and my faith a whole lot when I couldn’t begin to understand why I had been hurting so much. I blamed Him for every bit of pain I had been feeling, I blamed Him for not giving me an easy answer, a way out. I blamed Him for giving us a faith and religion that was based around systems and rules where I had become the outcast. I blamed Him for everyone hurting me. I blamed Him for all the hurt I had been feeling because I thought I had done enough to deserve His love. I thought I had done enough to make Him love me, to put me in His good books.
Then I became guilty. I started to resent myself for the way I had blamed Him. For the way I had let my demons and my pain overshadow the truth and the light that shun through to my heart. I hated myself for blaming Him for all the mistakes I had made. For all the wrong decisions I had made. I hated myself for letting Him in because I felt disappointed that He couldn’t come through for me, yet it was those around me.
I had become stuck in my own hurt, in my own doing. So many restless nights due to the anxiety of guilt and shame and unforgivable hurt. I couldn’t let this hurt go. It was the only way I could unleash my frustrations and my own demons. I had to punish myself. I had to blame myself because no one else could be the cause of my own despair. I had to do it on my own because I couldn’t let anyone else in. Everything inside left me trapped, left me scared and left me paralyzed in my own pain. I couldn’t do it anymore. I believed everyone could live without me. I believed everyone didn’t need me anymore. I believed I wasn’t good enough for anyone, let alone for God so definitely not for anyone.
I wanted to take the pain away myself and stop everything I was feeling. More so, I wanted to take myself out of the equation so I didn’t have to hurt anyone anymore even if they couldn’t hear my weeping soul.
Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise You
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise You
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise
But then something happened, someone happened. It can take love, one person to love you with everything that can break you. I stopped and I listened for the first time in a long time. It took one person to tell me how much they loved me and how much I was nothing that every voice in my head broke me down to be. It took one person to stop everything.
Now I’m not saying that I am all “healed” and “better”, but in the brokenness of my own soul, I was saved. Whether I had liked it or not, I was told not to give up. For some reason I didn’t. I couldn’t.
Because even when it hurts…There’s always someone that will tell you how much you mean to them. There’s always going to be a time when they need you not to do anything for them but to just be you because you give them something they cannot find anywhere else. There’s someone that deserves you and everything you have to offer. There’s someone that recognizes your strengths over your weaknesses. There’s someone that you need to belong to. There’s someone and something God made you for and they weren’t done with you yet.
Even when it hurts…love saves. Love conquers all battles. God is love and in the midst of everything painful to your soul, to the depths of your bones, there is a force stronger than any voice and any heartache. Love will always win. Love will always save you.
Even when it hurts to believe that you are made of something more than what is in front of you, you just have to trust. Trust in love, trust in God, trust in your family, your partner, your friends that this pain, this inevitable feeling…is only temporary.
You may feel like total shit, but it’s okay. Things will get better, if they’re not better, you’re not there yet. It just takes a little bit of patience, a loot of love (self-love most definite) even when it hurts. Because …
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. – Jeremiah 29:11
The finish line is no where near yet, so keep chasing.