It’s been awhile since I have been able to put my thoughts in writing but for awhile after my last post, I couldn’t bare to do so. If you haven’t read my last post you probably have no idea what I’m talking about but let’s just say things were at breaking point. However, I just didn’t realize that there would be an aftermath. Following on from that post, things got a bit worse and I was struggling internally with a lot of personal stuff that I had to deal with. For a person like me, I thought I could handle everything. That I would get better and put everyone else first before me and that’s when things decided to fall apart, especially when you’re in love.
I am currently a relationship rookie in my first relationship. I have been with my partner for just about three years and already we have experienced nothing but challenges. One of the challenges we have had to face and recently, was my partner’s ex girlfriend. So as a relationship rookie, I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to go about exes and previous relationships as I have never been in one ever. But this particular experience kind of brought me back to me and maybe just what I needed to salvage some healing from the mental mess that I had been enduring over the past couple of months.
So long story short, my partner’s ex had been involved in my partner’s life throughout the time that we have been together. And not in a “we just had coffee way” but in a “all our friends are in the same group so we have to see eachother way”. I was okay with it because I didn’t want to force my partner to not be friends with the ex because I trusted my partner and I was okay with it. However, there were times that I had to put my foot down and meeting the ex was probably the worst time I had ever felt in all of this. I witnessed my partner’s ex just giving my partner more attention than necessary and laughing at only my partner’s jokes even when the rest of the group was there.
It got kinda worse from here. We ended up seeing the ex again and again within a group environment of course and the same thing happened over and over again and it wasn’t until I told my partner about how uncomfortable I felt that my partner decided to do something about it. So my partner confronted the ex and long story short, she didn’t realise what she was doing was hurting us, and me. What made it even more hilarious was that the ex wanted to be friends with me.
At first I thought she was outrageous and there was absolutely no light in the sky that was going to guide me to this possible outcome until I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was getting worked up about it but not because she wanted to be friends, but because she was nothing but nice to me every time we met up. She was only that way with my partner because she didn’t know how else to act. Therefore I decided to confront my own demons and confront this person that I had so heavily “disliked immensely”, (hate is a strong word) for the past three years.
It just got me good because I’ve let this grudge, this hate eat up within me over these many years over something that she didn’t do to me but she did to my partner which kinda destroyed me inside. To be honest, I let my partner’s ex get to me so many times. There were times where I thought I wasn’t good enough for my partner because they were still talking even if it wasn’t intentional. There were times where I thought I was not as pretty as much partner’s ex which lead me to believe how on earth my partner would want someone like me, totally disregarding everything we had been through. I was bitter and I was holding a grudge and carrying a burden I so did not want to carry anymore.
Then it was time for a self-check. It couldn’t have come at a better time because I was in need of rescuing from my own dark manipulative mind. I had manipulated myself into being a full-time bitch in my head and even manipulated myself into being worthless and I had used my partner’s ex to bring all those thoughts into fruition. However I stopped thinking for the first time and in a long time, I knew that I had to do the right thing. I had to stop all this bullshit running in my head and to find my peace of mind again, even if it just was a little bit.
So what did I do, I forgave her. I forgave in my heart fall the torment over the past 3 years, I forgave myself for throwing my worth in front of the very mat she would tread over my thoughts day in and day out. There was a complete feeling of grace that ambushed me and her too. I know for some people being friends with their partner’s ex can be dangerous but for me it was about a clean slate, about a new beginning. It was about learning to let go of all the damage, the baggage and the luggage that had been sitting on our hearts especially mine over the past few years. And for the first time in a long time I felt free. Free of the prison that I locked myself up in. Free from the pain I had put myself through because at the end of the day you can only control so much and if you can’t change the situation, change your attitude. I guarantee your health and mental state will be so much better. I guess I just needed to change my heart and to let go of this person that I was not and that I did not recognise. It doesn’t mean that we are the best of friends but knowing that we can start afresh with the respect of my partner knowing that I have my partner’s best intentions at heart will benefit all of us.
At the end of the day, you simply can’t move forward if you keep looking back, even if it’s not your own piece of the past to look back on. I guess for me, I cared about my partner so much that I engulfed myself in every bit of present, past and future aspirations that embraced my partner’s life. And sometimes you just have to let it go so you can move on. So if you’re struggling to run your chase, maybe all you just need to do is forgive and let go. Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.