Ever feel like a million bucks on the outside due to an abundance of blessings, yet crave nothing more than to be understood not by others but to understand yourself.
Ever feel like you have everything going on for you, everything seems to be going right, yet on the inside you are outlandishly crying and not the crying that will surpass after you’ve stopped, but the crying where even when you stop, the pain and the hurt doesn’t.
Ever feel like you figure things out, you figure out where your pain comes from, yet you move forward only to realize something still hurts. Something is still sitting heavy on your heart.
Ever feel like everything on the inside gets the best of you, if so… welcome to my leg of the chase.
It may seem this blog is incredibly dramatic and every bit sad and depressing but it is simply my way of trying to express how I am feeling even If I could do it to silence my own demons.
I can’t really articulate some of the things that have been heavy on my heart but I can tell you how I ended up here.
So, for a few months now (as you have read) I have been a bit sad to say the least. I’ve managed to hide everything I had been feeling under a smile, under a hello and under everyone else’s firsts. This sadness, I feel like I need to try and explain it to myself let alone here on a platform where no one knows what I have been going through which may simply be the starting point of where I need to go. So just bare with me.
For these past few months, I have had continuous breakdowns. Like everyone else I’m sure who are stressing out about challenges and such but this time was different. There was something in the way that I had been crying and weeping that my soul was telling me that I need to do something about this. Let’s get this straight, there’s a difference between crying and weeping. I had been weeping during my breakdowns. I had accumulated certain feelings and emotions that every time I wept, I was releasing everything that I was holding onto. More than letting go, I could feel the pain and the hurt for the first time rather than letting it go and moving on.
I began running low on energy, I had begun changing. This is where I decided I needed help. For a while now, I had engulfed this sadness that picked up over time and I realized I was changing. Not only was I letting go of things internally, I had chosen to isolate those around me. I started to act differently to those I had known all my life. I started to become anxious whenever I had to hold a conversation and would get anxious waiting for a question that would ask me how I was or how life was. Don’t get me wrong, two years ago I would’ve opened up myself and my heart to share and to give in a conversation, however today brings myself in a position where I tend to hide and runaway to avoid certain talking points, my life being one of them.
Trust. I think being hurt a lot and especially by those closest to you can damage a person more than one can imagine. I started to change the way in which I adhered to certain people. I began resenting a lot of those I cared about a lot and I turned those feelings into self-pity. I couldn’t get out of my own head and I couldn’t forgive a lot of the things that have happened to me but most importantly I haven’t been able to forgive myself for the torment I constantly am putting myself through.
They say your biggest critic is yourself, could it not be anymore correct. But I can’t help looking round and seeing why me. Why are things so difficult? Why did I get put into this situation? When everything on social media is broadcasted in a milli second and people love to play chinese whispers. When you see things that other people have that you can’t have yet like children or what not. When you compare yourself and your accomplishments to those that continue to judge you yet are the people that know you the least. I have been hurt, but I think I am the one that hurts myself the most with all of this.
Somewhere along the line, it feels like I have lost a lot for myself. I have lost my confidence, my self esteem, my self-worth. Not because people gave up on me but because I gave up on myself. I didn’t want to be me anymore, I just wanted a break from being me. A break from the responsibilities, from the image of who I was. I was not up for people’s expectations let alone my own. So I just drifted, I started to wonder to nowhere and that’s where I have been sitting. In the pitts of my own despair, you could say I am my own worst enemy.
Life hasn’t got the best of me. I have. I just have to start finding it again. If you’re somewhere where I am, I know that there’s no giving up just yet, just a whole lot of searching to do. Don’t stop chasing.