It’s been a long time since I have been here and needless to say, the past few months have been a bit rough. A bit rougher than usual and it all goes back to this day…November 21st.
From my last post, I had shared that on my journey of the chase I was struggling and a lot more than I could handle. I felt this sense of darkness that I couldn’t shake off anymore and I knew it was time to get help. So on this day, my partner had taken me to the doctors and explained to her how I had been feeling over the past couple of months because I knew that there was something wrong.
“Can we just go through this questionnaire and it’ll give us more information on how you are feeling” the doctor asked.
I sat there nervous but well aware of what she was about to ask because I stayed up the night before googling them and answering the questions to which I regurgitated to the doctor right then.
However it was when the doctor asked “why is it that you don’t want to be here anymore? why do you think you aren’t good enough to be here” that everything in me just broke down.
With tears streaming down my face, I looked at my partner and nothing but pain engulfed my heart. The heavy burden of being a person that had accumulated all this pain that this person next to me had to deal with, it just wasn’t fair for me to put that on someone else, especially someone I cared so much about. My heart sank for my partner more than anything. Knowing that I couldn’t fight the thoughts in my head that told me I wasn’t worth being here anymore, that I was nothing but dust in the air.
“Well it looks like you have scored very highly in the anxiety test and in the depression test”.
My heart sank.
I knew there had been something wrong with me but being in denial the whole time, I wasn’t ready to accept it. In my family too, I had been struggling for a couple years knowing that there was something wrong with me but my dad had always said “no you’re not depressed. You can’t be depressed”.
And I had battled myself with these thoughts and believed that I had to be okay, but this time it was okay to not be okay. Because for the first time,I was not okay because it was something out of my control. I never imagined I would suffer from anxiety or depression. I had always been surrounded by it but I never thought I would succumb to the diagnosis let alone be given anti-depressants to soothe the pain.
After I cried to my doctor, my partner and I left. Sitting in the car we were just in disbelief but every bit relieved that we finally could pin point what was wrong and move on from there. We went to my dad’s and told him straight away. We sat and i cried and i weeped into his arms for the first time in a long time. I don’t remember the last time I cried in my dad’s arms, let alone the last time I needed him. He was comforting and nurturing and it took me back to when I was a kid where he would take me to the pools and teach me how to swim. Funnily enough he shared a story about when i was little and how I couldn’t let go of him when he was teaching me how to swim before he said “he’d always be there and he would never let me go”. Me and my dad have a funny relationship but this was one of those moments that I have captured and stored in my heart forever because I needed him. I needed him to tell me it was okay.
Two months on now from that day and surely things have gotten worse before they have gotten better. There were times I struggled with my antidepressants because I had been petrified by the thought of relying on pills to cure me. Let alone being petrified of myself and self control as I feared overdose. Because in my situation, I just wanted an answer for the state I had developed. The state of emotional and mental trauma, frustration and rapid increase of anger and rage, confusion and mental instability. I needed to feel liberated again and I needed help.
I can tell you they have been the hardest months. Going through the holidays with Christmas and new years crying myself to sleep was a horrible experience. However I know and feel that I am getting better and knowing that good things take time.
Although this may be some of the darkest legs of my chase, I know it wouldn’t be a chase without all of these mountains.
“There’s no rainbow without any rain”.
Let’s hope mine is coming soon.