How could you be so heartless?

In the night, I hear ’em talk
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?

I was walking along the corridor at work when Heartless by Kanye  came on and ever since then I couldn’t get this concept out of my head.

And no I am not referring to some ruthless break up that left me torn into pieces, but how anxiety and depression has destroyed me from the inside out.

You may be thinking “Is she crazy?” everyone has a heart, but let me show you what I mean for I have decided to write a letter to my demons. In reference to the way in which it has left me feeling “heartless”.

 

 

 

Dear demons, 

We have met before. In fact, you live within me. In my thoughts, my mind, my dreams, my body, in the air I breathe. These days it seems almost impossible to separate us, well not without at least popping a pill everyday to keep you away from me. 

You have hurt me more than any pain has ever caused me. 

You have damaged my soul. You entered through my fingertips and my toes and slithered your way into my bloodstream. You have twisted all my organs and halted the oxygen in my body. You have broken all the bones inside me that were supposed to keep me up. You have suffocated my heart, the one that was so alive and carefree before we met. You have broken me beyond my own strength.  You have taken my heart, held it in your fist and tortured it in front of my eyes. 

You have left me heartless. 

It’s like driving in a car, without an engine. Or going for a swim without all the limbs on my body. I am drowning. Horrendously and shamefully. 

You have left me dismantled, broken, defeated and at a stand still. 

You would capture me anytime, any place, anywhere. Whether I am at work smiling at numerous people a day, at home around my family, in bed lying next to my partner, you don’t care. You take me captive and throw whatever you have at me. 

Whether it’s the way in which you make me nervous wondering when and if you will make me break down in front of others. The way in which you create this lump in my throat that stops me from speaking. The way in which you tighten up my chest like you don’t want me to breathe, let alone let other people know that I am suffering. The way in which you manipulate and control my mind into thinking I am sick. I am sick because I am not good enough, for anyone let alone for myself. You continue to destroy me from the inside out.  I have no idea why on earth you chose me, why you wanted me to suffer so much. I don’t know why I let you in so easily but find it so hard to let you go.  

How could you be so f****** heartless to leave a human being like this. 

I have never hated anything more than you in my whole entire life. I am done. 

The thing that sucks the most about you living in me is that I’m not the only one you hurt. You have left my family distant. They have no idea what’s going on, well they do. But to an extent. They don’t want to believe that you are really with me. They don’t believe how you could come into my life, into my body and destroy me. You have pushed them away from me. You have the person I love the most frustrated, angry and completely unaware as to how to deal with not just me, but you too. They not only have to love me despite everything that you make me feel, but they also have to cop the raging outbursts, the constant aggressive responses but what gets me the most is that they have to deal with the nasty way I treat them because on the inside I’m suffering. They may not understand what you’re doing to me but you have made it so hard for them to reach me, to heal me and to be here for me. You have pushed everyone I love away. That’s the one thing I hate most about you, you make me feel alone. You make me feel guilty for wanting help, for needing to be looked after and for needing people to help me breathe. 

The more the days go on, I feel like this is between me and you. No one else can fight this battle for me, no one else should. 

Thank you for coming to my life and turning it upside down. Thank you for coming into my life and draining the life out of my soul. Thank you fro coming into my life and stealing my heart, the one thing that was supposed to keep me alive. 

Tell me, How could you be so heartless?

Yours sincerely,

The Chase. 

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