Smile, It’s free!

“What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life’s pathway, the good they do is inconceivable” – Joseph Addison.

As part of  International Happiness Day I decided to write about this unofficial official day even though I just only found out today that it even existed. However, I had been meaning to find the inspiration to write about some current feels and decided to explore this refreshing part of my chase.  

How could you be so heartless?

In the night, I hear ’em talk
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?

I was walking along the corridor at work when Heartless by Kanye  came on and ever since then I couldn’t get this concept out of my head.

And no I am not referring to some ruthless break up that left me torn into pieces, but how anxiety and depression has destroyed me from the inside out.

You may be thinking “Is she crazy?” everyone has a heart, but let me show you what I mean for I have decided to write a letter to my demons. In reference to the way in which it has left me feeling “heartless”.

November 21st

It’s been a long time since I have been here and needless to say, the past few months have been a bit rough. A bit rougher than usual and it all goes back to this day…November 21st.

From my last post, I had shared that on my journey of the chase I was struggling and a lot more than I could handle. I felt this sense of darkness that I couldn’t shake off anymore and I knew it was time to get help. So on this day, my partner had taken me to the doctors and explained to her how I had been feeling over the past couple of months because I knew that there was something wrong. 

Best of Me

Ever feel like a million bucks on the outside due to an abundance of blessings, yet crave  nothing more than to  be understood not by others but to understand yourself.

Ever feel like you have everything going on for you, everything seems to be going right, yet on the inside you are outlandishly crying and not the crying that will surpass after you’ve stopped, but the crying where even when you stop, the pain and the hurt doesn’t.

Ever feel like you figure things out, you figure out where your pain comes from, yet you move forward only to realize something still hurts. Something is still sitting heavy on your heart.

Ever feel like everything on the inside gets the best of you, if so… welcome to my leg of the chase. 

Learning To Forgive

It’s been awhile since I have been able to put my thoughts in writing but for awhile after my last post, I couldn’t bare to do so. If you haven’t read my last post you probably have no idea what I’m talking about but let’s just say things were at breaking point. However, I just didn’t realize that there would be an aftermath. Following on from that post, things got a bit worse and I was struggling internally with a lot of personal stuff that I had to deal with. For a person like me, I thought I could handle everything. That I would get better and put everyone else first before me and that’s when things decided to fall apart, especially when you’re in love.

I am currently a relationship rookie in my first relationship. I have been with my partner for just about three years and already we have experienced nothing  but challenges. One of the challenges we have had to face and recently, was my partner’s ex girlfriend. So as a relationship rookie, I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to go about exes and previous relationships as I have never been in one ever. But this particular experience  kind of brought me back to me and maybe just what I needed to salvage some healing from the mental mess that I had been enduring over the past couple of months. 

Even When It Hurts

No one likes to go through pain. No one likes to feel it yet it’s inevitable, there’s no growth without pain. We can experience pain in the form of absolutely everything. The pain of losing someone you loved whether it’s their departure from this Earth or the separation of relationships built upon years of memories and love. The pain of struggling to provide for your family, not knowing whether or not you are going to be able to put food on the table tomorrow and nurture your children to the best of your ability. The pain of not knowing where you are going and being left in a situation that brings you to your knees in a silent room surrounded by nothing but the sound of loneliness and emptiness.

Pain brings all sorts of diminishing emotions; torment, anxiety, burden, grief, desperation, frustration, anger and a lot, a loot of hurt.

Broken Vessel

I tend to get caught up in my own thoughts more than I should. Hence why I started writing because if i could eliminate one thought at a time, to get it out, I could move on and start to live life just little bit easier. I could begin to let go.

Recently I fell. And no, i’m not talking about the physical falling where you fall over and scrape your knee but the mental falling, where you start to hurt in the place that causes more damage than a physical wound. I guess we all experience the occasional downfall between our daily situations such as losing a job, having to pay bills etc. There are constant pressures in our everyday lives that instigate these falls. However for me, it’s been a long time coming. 

Glass – Half Empty or Half Full?

So today in church we had a guest minister come in and speak to us today. It was refreshing and quite frankly just what we needed to hear today. So today’s message was about being careful about the words we say and how it might affect those around us. When we are hot tempered and blurt out an occasional “I hate you” or saying something we might regret. So the minister told two stories today (some you might have heard before). The first one goes like this…

KIDS

“Back when we were kids
Swore we would never die
You and me were kids
Swear that we’ll never die
I refuse to look back thinking days were better
Just because they’re younger days
I don’t know what’s ’round the corner
Way I feel right now I swear we’ll never change”.

There’s always something about Ryan Tedder’s voice that I will always be amused by. If it’s not his voice, and the sound of the beat then it is the words and the meanings of his songs written by him and his band.

Running the Chase

If you were to ask me to write my thoughts on paper and share them months ago, I probably would say it was a joke. The biggest joke to be honest. There’s something about sharing your thoughts and ideas that has always made me feel weak and open to the fact that you can give someone that sort of information and they could have the power to destroy you or nurture you. However, this is not the purpose of this! I started this journey as it has been something I had been wanting to do for so long for I had been someone with so many thoughts and I just needed to get them out. If  at anyway and stage I could relate to someone else out there who may be going through the same then this would only be the beginning of answers I may be searching for.